I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
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I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
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I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
There something liberating about walking through the dorm hallways without pants on.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
You ever have a fart follow you around?
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