stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
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