Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
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We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Sounds good. I'm hoping to have my life together by next week but you never know I guess.
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
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