this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
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Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
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IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
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