I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
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the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
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I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
immediately after sex he started talking to me about nerdy stuff he meant to text me earlier, I'm completely smitten
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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