My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
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Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
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Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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