I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
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I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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