maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
My low point of the night was when my roommate spit out her jello shot and i took it...
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
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I need you to use more vowels.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
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