mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
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I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
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How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
I volunteer to be the person who breaks into the room and runs around naked and has to be escorted out by police.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
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