sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now
sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?
:)
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
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Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
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