Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
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