it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
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I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
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I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Remember that time a drunk Dracula took a shit in the urinal? Ooh, that's right, it was last night.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
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