the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
i need to put some appletini on your dick
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
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