tonight, alcohol would be proud of us
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito
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the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
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In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
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