you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
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You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
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In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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