we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
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since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
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Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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