I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
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Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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