I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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