I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
worst night to have a conscience
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize