i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
all her text said was "asdfhdaufhudshfuds" and i knew that meant come over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
I was trying to get nudes from last night and ended up getting a family portrait!
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