why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
She's an ex-convict. She actually got stabbed in the face with a pen while in prison. No big deal.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
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He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
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I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
Best ethics paper a stoner could write. I called my professor Dr. Superfly Arandia. And I'm pretty sure I used "respect the hustle" somewhere in there too.
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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