I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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