Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
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A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
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I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
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