just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
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I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
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