I puked off the balcony.
Not horrible
Into the hottub. There were six people in it. I had eaten all their pizza.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
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We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
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She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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