you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
I am about to be in my happy place. (the shower with a 6 pack)
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
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I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
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All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Yeah i like want to be friends with him. And if we have sex in the physics library well thats fine with me
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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