Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
im not sure. I kicked him in the ear last night trying to kick a plastic cup off his head to prove I can kick higher than anyone.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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