if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Just found out that wake n bake is not one of the 7 habits of highly effective people..
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
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