quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
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It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I guess our biggest consolation is that we haven't woken up in a hottub with a dead dude. Yet.
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
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I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
Omg my orgasm just made the fucking sun come out. Clearly my libido controls the weather now.
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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