i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
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