Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
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