she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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