the entire time we were hooking up i couldn't stop thinking about the bengals. thoughts?
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
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i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
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Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
Did he at least walk u home
He offered. I dont like that shit. I want his dick not his presence on my walk home
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
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