Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
carb up bitch. we're drinking with football players.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
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