there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
Got home. Hugged Mom. The look on her face indicated she noticed nipple rings.
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We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
I put a zucchini in my pussy for you
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If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
my morning attempts to try to have sex with him was interrupted by the passion of the christ parade going on outside my house
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
how does that bad decision feel?
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