somebody snuck up and got me drunk
My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
that's what penises do
they tell lies.
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My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
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Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
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