SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
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He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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