thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
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