Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
She told me she cured her bulemia by popping hydrocodone after she ate. that way she would be rewarded for not puking. I like the way she thinks
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She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
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At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
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