two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
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