Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Despite evidence suggesting otherwise, it turns out max is 100%straight.
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
