im over her. I got weed and youtube. everything i could ever ask for.
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
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He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
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Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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