the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
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Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture
dude you're not even a fucking science major
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
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I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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