i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.
That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.
Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.
Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.
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at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
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Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
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