I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence
Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.
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I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
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I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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