Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm starting to think my role in the world is to inject batshit crazy, mentally unbalanced chicks with a dose of normal sperm.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
Randomize