Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
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I found it funny that her boobs actually kinda felt like a bag of sand. the 40 year old virgin should feel better about himself.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
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in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Goddamn it. Hes got me addicted to his penis
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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