So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
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You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
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