Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
So the guy sitting next to me is watching dungeons and dragons on youtube. I didnt realize you could get more pathetic than actually playing the game.
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I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
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He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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