i got lost in a forest last night. this morning I realized the "forest" was just 6 trees on campus.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
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I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize